Being submissive in the bedroom doesn’t mean being a slave in life – these women explain why they love sub sex We all recognize the popular image of submissive men who worship women and get off on being dominated. I described this phenomenon a week ago and my readers’ answers surprised me in a positive way. So
why it those submissive women are often is perceived very differently?
Why would a lady want to be dominated, some people think. ‘What’s the point of feminism if women allow men to treat them this way in the bedroom?’ This response is perhaps clear on the surface, but it misses the point. Sexual kinks and fetishes do not have to be understood from the bedroom to the outside world. Surely the majority of the people who protest for equality is wondering: can women have the same desires as men? And the fact that so many women have positions of power these days makes it more possible that some of them will get off on the act of rarely handing over that power in the most friendly ways imaginable. Surely everyone should be free to accept their kinks without shame or judgment, regardless of gender?
There are women who are happy being sexually submissive and asked them what they get out of it. Submission doesn’t always mean being tied up. I have heard every lame mention, including the suggestion that most women’s submission is just indolence and a refusal to be powerful in bed. Sex is the only situation in which I would be at all overly obedient. ‘I work in a job with huge pressure and a lot of independence – I like to think I’m nice but apparently, I’m intimidating.
‘Yes, life’s demanding and I am a single lady – I pay all my own bills and there’s no one taking care of me in any sense. But in bed I want to be treated properly. ‘I don’t want to make the choices, I don’t want the duty. I am tired of taking care of everyone and in the bedroom I want to let myself free , knowing that if I do as I’m told, I’ll get looked after – I’ll be given what I want. ‘I need a lover to show me that they can dominate me and are worthy of my submission. ‘I’m claustrophobic and can’t be tied up, so any control has to be understood rather than literal. I need someone to be able to confine me with just a kind word or a look. ‘And I will test this.I won’t comply the first time someone asks me to do something. I won’t just say whatever I’m being told to say, but a good and gifted partner will be able to make me say it.
As a kid I hated being called a nice girl – even as a child it seemed patronizing. So it came as a shock that it turned me on when somebody said it to me during sex – it was a real association of can’t stand of something and being turned on by it. ‘Another example – at the end of a night out with my lover during which he had tormented me with his hand up my dress when no one could see, my tolerance for any more teasing was very low. ‘I outright asked him to just make me come and he said, softly and menacingly, ‘don’t you ever presume to tell me how to fuck you’.
Sounds awful, right? ‘But it worked, because I have faith in him and knew he was taking a bet on it being something I would like. I cannot imagine anyone speaking to me like that in any other setting. ‘For me, submission is about tenderness. I want to let go and know that my needs will be met. ‘I wouldn’t be at all satisfied with someone dominating me, telling me to do things and then not making me come. It’s not all one sided.’ What bothered me was how a couple who were happily alike in their relationship could balance this against having a sub/dom bond in the bedroom – surely it would effect on how they felt about each other the rest of the time?
‘I am submissive in the bedroom, but in no way do I miss of self-esteem in everyday life. ‘We don’t do it every time we get in touch, we tend to do it occasionally, like a special event, just as other couples may schedule a fancy dinner. I enjoy the denial of being ‘used and abused’ but we make sure we both enjoy the experience. It can be a relief from everyday pressure, but I think it goes deeper than that. ‘As a child I was raised to believe that only escorts enjoy sex – being tied up is a way to avoid the guiltiness that has been in-built from a young age. ‘You have to be strong and very trusting to be a sub. We find that it raises our connection as a couple as we share a fetish that we both enjoy it enormously. ‘My body always gives away that I’m enjoying the experience – My man would immediately stop if he knew things were going too far.
And we connect a lot during the time we spend in bed; it improves our relationship as well as our sex life. ‘I enjoy a certain amount of pain, but my man always checks he’s not being too rough – in fact he’s more careful than I am. ‘I don’t feel diminished or lesser because of it, in fact it’s pretty empowering being a sub – it makes me feel very hot and turned on. ‘It’s something we share that nobody else knows, which makes it feel naughty in a very good way. ‘I don’t feel inferior at all, as what we do in the bedroom in no way imitates who we are in everyday life. I am a feminist and sub/dom play in no way effects on that.’